5

Helping Adult Children Heal From Narcissistic Abuse –Evening TV


I will have more videos to share about
the trip but this message is at the end of a week with my son on the University
a second anniversary of my eldest son’s death he had he was writing for this
complex post-traumatic stress disorder he was self-medicating and died of an
overdose I thought that he was okay he had been cleaning for 10 months just I
just saw be he was great he was as I was doing great he was a music student in
Portland at college and last words we said to each other his I said be careful
I love you and he said I love you too mom and I was less whereas we said to
each other name two hours later he was gone that was July 11th of 2016 so it
was a heavy heart you know that I’m here with this video but I’m hopeful she’d do
anything to help anyone she not go through the would have gone through it
and they did not go through it so alone as I have gone through it and for anyone
who has dealt with a loss like this or you know any kind of thing that they get
lost from you still think your life go on this has been a helpful thing for me
I don’t know if that how that I even let is to anybody else but for me it’s been
really important to create other memories other associations to that to
that day you know and you know because what happens to me now two years in a
row is that attention just starts to build and I’ll start realizing I’ll be
kind of feeling tense and blue and then realize oh this is why this is just some
of the year and you know remember you know forget to remember the last time I
saw him the last time I talked to you know what what we said what we did
what did I miss the signs what you know what could I have done differently you
know have just one little thing you’ve been different things might have been so
different you know go through that go through that go through that and and I
need to you know it’s important that I not dwell on that and the other thing it
was really important I didn’t want forever half this time of the year be
just only only all about losing my son and losing no Liam losing his brother
and so we try we’ve tried really hard to create other memories and we just really
have a fantastic trip send a message out to anyone who is a parent of an adult
child who has been a victim of narcissistic abuse if you are the parent
and your children were abused weirdin this is something I’ve really really
learned here it’s really important to not generally hold on to those kids if I
was to go by his huge Nikhil basically follow his lead
I would keep to myself I would let him I would let him just do his own thing and
not bother him and not ask for a lot of closest might ask for a lot of openness
I asked for it you know we would be somewhat reserved in private and I have
I have forced myself because my natural tendency is to follow the lead they took
me don’t bother me I don’t bother them if they tell me you know I want I want
to talk I listen if they’re coming I don’t want to talk I say okay and so if
you better the news and you have those behaviors that you have learned from
babies even if you’re healed even if you’re healed
there is something if you have a child you have to really override your habits
and patterns that you have them a lifetime for a lifetime of abuse it’s
it’s one thing to get through something to put it behind you and
others need to start healing but if you have a child there is something there
that they still need they don’t have anyone else and they all
said there was having a parent and they also don’t have anyone else in
understand the chances never having anyone elses to understand at a very
very slim and in my son’s case he really doesn’t he has a girlfriend and friends
that don’t understand at all what his experience hasn’t been and he she really
doesn’t fully understand that me at all either here to understand how it’s
different from other crummy dads or long there are other divorce situations where
the parents don’t get along or you know keys are saying how it’s different from
that here’s understand how his family is not just some other wacky dysfunctional
family you know so I think that there’s some areas where they didn’t get what
they needed at the time when they were younger and so you have to sort of force
issue now when they’re older so my since 20 and yeah you know I still really feel
like he should only need some a certain amount of closeness that maybe a kid who
had everything they needed at the right time I write plays and that’s it your
family life and and you know two loving parents and all that and sibling or
siblings that are flying around and there to validate their experience maybe
wouldn’t need but my son has undergone a large trauma so he only partially
understands and he has really no one else but me and his stepfathers
understand it and in his stepfather only and intellectually you know and so I
just really hurt you if you have raised children or if you if you shake your
just a little and you’re looking ahead that these adult kids really need you
and if you’ve been if you abused as a child too if you have a narcissistic
parents and not emotionally abusive parents and and you didn’t get the
connection that you needed you really have to push yourself to to do something
that you didn’t get and think yourself how power bring it would have been to
have connection with your mom or your dad you know
and the difference that you make is huge and being really close to me son this
week be really close to him and proximity has forced me in a way or
giving me an opportunity in a way to see you feeling me he is really talking
pendant really could have been his girlfriend and he is afraid of
abandonment he just had this confidence and he doesn’t have any idea what he
deserves important that I stay close to stay
close. you know, stay close and make sure that I tell him a lot of things that
maybe a person who grew up with all the things that they needed at the right time
wouldn’t need to hear anymore. A person who has been raised with a
narcissistic or sociopathic parent, as my son was, is really vulnerable even if
they had you there letting then they’re still really vulnerable. It’s very
likely that you could find that you can see your kid repeating the mistakes that you
made, and that’s what I was seeing. I see both of my both of my son’s before
Madison died said both of them were with you know not lab being treated properly
but other friends and their girlfriends you know just really weren’t being
treated the way that they deserve to be treated and they still need their mom or
their dad to be there telling them how great they are you know and reinforcing
that and and gently finding a way to help them understand what was wrong with
their family or what was wrong with their disordered parent so they
understand that it wasn’t them. This is not a quick process. It isn’t easy
at all. If any of you have children that seem like they’re in trouble or seem
like they’re maybe turning into narcissists themselves please don’t be
quick to judge because not that I ever thought my kids were narcissist I didn’t
think that but they have you know just you know it wasn’t easy it wasn’t easy
but what I’ve seen is that if I hang in there
hold on hold on and make myself available then after a few days together
he starts a letter started down and we start having fun again you know he
started being able to enjoy life being a kid you know be able to be amazed be
able to be excited and be able to you know be my kid you know and just have
fun with me he was able to do that any kid that’s emerging is there in that
precipice of thee I’m about to be an adult thing it is a very scary and
trying time you know very scary for kids and even in the best of circumstances
even when they have all the security in the world even when they had everything
going for them but when you have a kid that doesn’t have it didn’t have any
role models until I met my husband everyman the life exactly the epitome of
what a man should not be you know they were it irresponsible they were immature
they were petty they were self-absorbed they were mean they’d have a conscience
they were cruel they were you know just just everything he mentioned me you
weren’t protective they weren’t loving they weren’t you couldn’t rely on them
they were just oh oh talking to action they were just and when you’re a kid and
you’re looking like this is who I came from I’m an example on you so when you
show me how to live it like should do and you don’t and you see that you’re
your father your grandfather’s and your uncle
they’re all just massive failures. know you can see that you can see that
they failed you you see they failed your mother because
they’re not living the life that you are living you know if you’re a person of
man say that what a young man who wants to have good friends and he wants to
love him he loved and new values family and values honest work and you know what
sees it maybe maybe sees that you’re successful and wants that but doesn’t
want to do it the way you did it oh he sees that they’re fake he’s the person
that they see persons they love isn’t even a real
person that’s not who they know that’s that person that they all love isn’t
even real and they see that they grew up with that they grew up knowing that so
that’s very scary that’s very scary if you’re trying to
form into a person and I shared that song that my son saying cover you define
it it’s all about a boy clerics in the song in the chorus is father you never
taught me how to be a man and you know you’d if your kids if you raised kids
with someone who is disordered they are gonna need you in a way that other kids
that it may be as some of your friends kids maybe don’t and not to judge that
it should be really really patient with these kids they’re really really loving
with these kids because the damage runs deep and they’re super super scared and
they’re really insecure and the healing is possible it is possible but you have
to be really patient and you have to be if you really healed yourself too.
You can do this together. It can work. you can do it together with
them but but you have to be doing it you know if you’re still in if you’re still
codependent if you’re still co-signing abuse and saying that that’s okay if
you’re not calling abuse out and saying that was reached you know we do things
differently now I’m taking responsibility for myself we didn’t you
know we were abused before we can track you mean usually if you’re not at that
point where you’re able to change that your kids are in trouble you have to be
able to say no that wasn’t right we weren’t treated right and we’re gonna
change that now we didn’t deserve that we serve better and you tell them what
they deserve you show them and you tell them what they deserve because what they
learned from their other parent is that there needs didn’t matter there they had
a place in the relationship so long as they met the needs of the other person
some of us might be 30 40 50 60 years old and still working on this you know
and so if our kid is you know 18 19 20 25 and they are struggling still to
understand it they’re probably doing better the way were three
at 20 I had no idea I was you know in my 30s having a heart attack a mother of
two kids when my husband was diagnosed as this goes with antisocial personality
disorder and you know how almost died of a heart attack when he and my parents
all abandoned me and I had no idea anything was you know anything is wrong
and we’re delivered’ I had a perfect perfect family and that even though I
was suicidally depressed it had no idea why I thought all of them were fine
their kids that had just heard her parent but they were not able to escape
that they had to be around throughout their entire lives and god forbid and
lacked having extended extended family love to support them and let the day
give the validation that they needed and then you know my son’s kids you know he
lost the one and only person that did the belt went through it with him and
did validate his experience and so you know what would I expect other than he
would try to protect himself and be closed down and he takes close down he
really did and it takes a lot of patience and time to get him to open up
and Trust and and you know heal that but I’m gonna be right here for him and if
you have raised children with a narcissistic or you know emotionally
abused a person it’s it’s probably a job it’s not ever gonna end because you you
and that in that child have a very unique perspective that no one else has
no one else understands anything that you’ve gone through and so that kid is
gonna need you in a different way and I developed children need their parents
most of the time this abuse it’s about emotional abuse like this is just it
just doesn’t go away you know and especially the more you can get away
from it get away from the abuse the better the other thing in my case my son
stones have gotten away from it you know we’re trying to move away now and he’s
gonna leave way too but you know he’s still not he’s not in a no-contact
situation he has like with his family and it’s just and
you know that he says well they can’t hurt me that way he didn’t know how they
were hurting him in the first place and they do attempt to abuse him every time
I see him but he isn’t identified he doesn’t know what they’re doing I only
care about it later you know you know it’ll be it’ll be
weeks months even years later and he’ll tell me a story and I’ll realize he was
completely being abused we can’t even see it and I just happened I’m gonna
I’ll share some I have some stories about that that I’ll share with you
about how that suddenly happens and then I hear about it you know months month
later and they they didn’t know it was just a funny story to them but it was
totally emotional abuse in our system and usually in a you know a gang group
setting where he’s you know he’s the one person they’re being targeted in this
toxic situation that it’s just completely you know aegis and he doesn’t
know he doesn’t see it so you know those are those are tricky situations but you
know kids really need you in that in it and you are a really important resource
for them and you’ve got to hang in there for him
most I I do have a lot of empathy for those those of you who have the room
that you just had to work away from because they were they were narcissistic
and they weren’t changing and you were getting abused I feel so terrible free I
do have some people that have that actually that situation but in the vast
majority of the cases what I see happening is that there’s no Cystic
parents or you know parents that just won’t own up to what happened their kid
was abused that their kids not okay their kids not a normal kid and then she
really needs them and they just don’t want to take responsibility for what
happened and they are lacking the empathy and the compassion to be there
for their kid and so it’s a lack of empathy of lack of passion a lack of
responsibility that continues to go on and even if they weren’t the abuser they
are they will continue to be a part of the problem and not be able to have a
suspect relationship with their child even as their child becomes you know 20
34 years old and they you know they grabbed my doodle well
person who a lot of times it’s like you just like my parents over there you know
grandparents talking about how I turn my back on them you know that’s not what
happened it’s not what happened and it really is what happens it really
is what happens but that’s not to say that it’s easy you know for you to hang
in there with a kid who’s been abused when you’ve also been abused all your
life takes a big commitment it takes love and it takes a commitment it’s not
gonna be easy you know because you’re the only one there to be you know we
they are gonna blame you sometimes and they are gonna you know they’re gonna be
going to trouble and you’re not gonna have anyone else to help you deal with
it and it just it takes 11 keeps
compassionate weeks really just say this may not have been my fault but it is my
responsibility they were my kid I loved them so much I
warmed me okay so I’m here even if they’re struggling even if even if you
know it’s hard I’m not here to be beautified won’t be abuse but as long as
they’re trying to get their life here as long as they’re not abusive to me I’m
your mom you’re my kid I’m here you know and there’s something really telling
about parents that won’t fight for their kid if I don’t hold it together I don’t
play my cards right yeah I’ll be abandoned I’ll be on my own and it shows
in his relationship now with his girlfriend it shows and the same thing
was true for me so you know they need you should not to prove them right you
know they need you to be there no matter what
not abused not to be abused you don’t have to be there to be abused but you do
need to be there in any other face it’s the ones are not abusing you you
need to be there for them you just do it maybe not you mean up in
the user you made a bit they were abused and they need you I don’t have anybody
else nobody else is ever gonna understand it
okay guys thanks so much I had a lot of my lifelong self-absorbed people in my
life and a few very few made it through the
whole smear campaign divorce and 11 happen years ago and have the ones that
did make it through that they didn’t make it through the death of my son so I
you know I wouldn’t wish upon anyone to go through what I’ve gone through and I
certainly wouldn’t wish anyone to have to go through it as long as I have I had
to go through it I have a wonderful husband and he has a wonderful family
but you know it would have been it would have been an enormous difference to have
my own family that family that knew my son and loved my son from childhood to
should be there with me but of course if we had had a loving family around us I
doubt that it would have happened you know the reason my son is gone is
because we didn’t have we didn’t have the love and the protection and the
protection and what he needed he loved people that came love him back also
being raised by narcissistic parents loving people who didn’t love me back
what that – asking life how you end up with a lifetime of abuse until you
figure it out until you stop it so my focus is on stopping it helping you stop
it but if you haven’t already subscribed please do I put out videos at least two
times a week usually if I’m not if I’m running troubles like I did just now but
usually there’s always at least two videos a week and also go over to my
website eating around some calm and sign up for ER Insiders email list and you’ll
get free trainings and stuff you don’t get here on youtube. Okay Thanks so
much you guys. I’ll talk with you later all right you

Glenn Chapman

5 Comments

  1. The sound on this video is good, but video quality isn't great because I am in Playa Del Carmen Mexico. Recorded after a week with my younger son and husband in Mexico and on the 2n anniversary of my son, Noah's death. Do you have any advice for how to help the kids ?

  2. Good advice on pushing through the kids distant mood. My natural tendency is also not to force engagement, so good job on pushing through that.

  3. I stopped this video at 4:03 and went to have a wonderful chat with my child. Two hours later I am back to watch the rest. Thanks for the reminder to keep connected x

  4. I lived everything you are saying about my ex narc. My ex is a failure in life and continues to destroy. My son has followed his foot steps and my heart is broken. My ex never let my son….become his own man. My ex used my son to protect his own lifestyle. My son has struggled since the age of 12 and was taught…..your mother is mentally ill. My son has not spoken or seen me in almost 6 years…will be married soon and I will not be there. His so called FATHER has married a 3rd time and that is who will be taking my place. The destruction of the narc is beyond belief. I fought for my son and I was my son's stability and as my counselor says…..he KNOWS you love him…he is still trying to get the approval of his dad. My 1 time sweet baby boy is living a life of hell because of his alcoholic, porn loving, liar, cheater and I could go on…..dad.

  5. Your son is beautiful. I am SOOOoooo incredibly sad for your great, tragic, nightmare of a loss. I can not imagine anything more painful than that! You have to realize that you were both victims at the same time and it is near impossibly to save another when you yourself are in the midst of drowning. One weak swimmer cannot help an even weaker swimmer. I am Soooo sorry You are remarkably intelligent and insightful and we KNOW you gave it all you had. We cannot do more that give all and give all you did. Bless your heart dear lady! I pray for some goodness to come your way! I cannot fathom your incredible strength. Well done.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *