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ED RECOVERY VLOG | Abandonment Issues and Mood Swings



hey it's Emily and welcome back to my channel you know what I'm feeling feeling talkative today and I've been alone but that being said I am headed out soon I am meeting up with a friend downtown for some drinks thought I'd like check in maybe give you a bit of an update of what I have been doing yeah just been kind of living my life I haven't really worked I had training for my camp job I definitely feel very reassured that I'm not gonna be like excessively active at camp like I'm not a sports person I told them that I'm like if we do sports like I'll be there to like monitor but like I don't sport I test drove a car the other day that like I was gonna buy but then my mom was like um so I might just sell you my car and so I definitely would rather do that because I know the car my mom's the only one that owned it it's in great condition I got all my licenses in that car so it definitely would prefer that but she hasn't found a new car yet so that's the thing I just have to wait a little bit but I don't need an inch of July so um yeah I've just been living my damn life guys and it feels great I had my low-weight appointment about two days ago and she was like so I'm gonna like try to get you a therapist but there's a long wait so I'm like okay like a couple of weeks cuz I've been there for a few weeks and she's like oh like maybe late August or early September and I'm like oh okay it's always a long wait for these things but for now she says she'll keep seeing me and she's just so happy with how I'm doing which makes me happy she says she'll keep seeing me at these appointments like every other week probably for the summer which is good because I'm gonna be working full time anyway so I don't have to leave work early every week then come to fall when I'm at school it'll be perfect because I have Friday's off so I can have my appointments in so I don't know when I'll walk next this is just how these things go I'll pull out the camera and I feel like it I will talk to you later okay bye hey friends it's me again it's about five days since the last time I have logged my emotions to the toll for the worst so that night that I filmed was Thursday and I had a pretty good day on day I saw my friend and that was all good yeah so we had a good time we went out for drinks and some food which yes that probably would have been something I'd be able to do in the past and like I got like a mojito which is like a fancy drink that I probably wouldn't to let myself have before either and then Friday is kind of when hit the fan I struggle a lot with abandonment I'm not like diagnosed like having abandonment issues and like like I've talked about as I get very emotional very attached very hurt when things don't go as planned I really struggle when plans change or plans get cancelled because I always catastrophize it and spiral out of control and think oh my god like no one wants to talk to me no one likes me everyone hates me like I'm a shitty person like I hate myself these are the things that like shoot me to rock bottom where I'm just like I can't do anything like I hate everything like it's triggers all the shitty emotions so I had plans to face him a friend that got cancelled I had plans to go out one day and that got changed I had plans to see another friend and that plan got changed like Friday Saturday Sunday plans all about changed it seems that it always all happens at once and it all happened like during Friday during the day and I was just like well like everyone freakin hates me like what did i do what did I up this time like I ate everything so I was pretty upset and it all went to my head and stuff so to make things even better and that was the day that I started my new job that I talked about in my last vlog like I said I was already in a shitty state so I got very overwhelmed very very stressed out cause we meet old like that's not right that's not ready that's wrong that's wrong and I was like oh my god like how do you expect me and just get into this and be perfect like it just was not good for someone who struggles with mental health issues especially feelings of not being good enough and then I asked when I was like so like what time do you think it's gonna go to tonight and they're like oh definitely past me and I like 1 a.m. 2 a.m. maybe 5 a.m. and I was like I don't often get panic attacks like full out like I was like I can't eat here I cannot be here I need to leave I need to leave right now I didn't tell a single person I literally just couldn't even breathe like the event hasn't even started yet they're like so yeah when you like take their order make sure you get me know a food intolerance is like this is the menu like can you tell this business like sir from the Snipe or from the side I create a key part in this level I'm like oh my god and I'm like already on top of this I'm dealing with all this emotional internal stuff feeling like crap and feeling like worthless so I'm like oh my god like I'm not good enough for this job and then also on top of that they're like so can you like carry a tray with six plates on it like you just need to pick it up and like lift on your shoulder and I'm like that's at least 50 pounds they were telling us all the rules and I was just like I wish I could help but if I stay I'm gonna be more harm than good I finally got signed out and they helped me get back to the change room and I got my stuff and I got out of there then my mom picked me up and in the car that's when all the emotions that had build up from that day from everything I just started sobbing ugly tears like I was ugly crying hardcore so that was the rest of my night I was just bawling my eyes out but today is gonna be a good day 90% sure my friends coming up today to visit with me and I'm super excited about that so for now I'm gonna say peace that's it bye alright hi again guys um so it's later later in the day my plans got cancelled again and like I'm not mad at my friend it's just really frustrating that in the past week not even a week since Friday plans have been canceled on me five times because literally every day plans are getting cancelled on me and this is something I have such an issue with like I just have such a hard time coping in these situations cuz now I'm all alone I'm by myself I feel like I feel like everyone hates me even though like I know that's logically not what it is like my friends sick apparently so okay I just I've always struggled so much with not having people in my life that are there for me and not around I didn't have many friends growing up I didn't have friends in my neighborhood like I spent a lot of time by myself and I am an extrovert I get my energy from people so seeing as I haven't really been social other than like FaceTime stuff for the past like I don't know since like last Thursday it's just really draining me out and making me not feel super great so I didn't feel like recording then I'm pissed off right now but like last time I didn't and this is real this is really how I feel right now like so much of it is my mental health but also I think anyone who has had plans cancelled on them this many times and has grown up with feeling abandonment and lack of friends would probably also be upset so I'm trying to not beat myself up about it um I'm just gonna try to you know keep myself safe and for the rest of the afternoon um like I said I'm not mad at the people that are doing this it's just I feel like it's understandably frustrating I'm sure I'm not the only person who's felt like this and has experienced like this so that's why I have this channel to be real to be honest I know that a lot of you are there for me and I appreciate that so yeah my mom said that if I can't make plans with someone else for the evening we can go out for dinner or something and also I want to go to the mall maybe attend to do this thing where I buy stuff but I shouldn't because I don't have a job right now but this Lolo is just going to lead to a high high I'm planning on going back to Toronto and a couple weeks for the Pride Parade so that's something to look forward to I guess hopefully next time it's a positive update and not more crap like this but I hope you're having a good day like life's a mess okay see you hey friends so it's me again it is the next day since my film last I'm actually feeling really happy because later on my cat is meowing at me this is my kitty this is Chelsea hello she doesn't like being picked up she's the meowing a few here yeah so later on today in a few hours actually I'm about to head downtown to grab a drink and some food with my friend who I actually met through in story she messaged me and we both found out that we live in the same city super cool I'm really excited to meet her I'm happy I actually have plans for once god I'm so desperate to just get out oh my god but yeah it's super nice weather out today too so I'm happy about that so if I don't pick up the camera again to vlog this week I guess I will wrap up the video here you are worth it and recovery is worthless I'll see you

Glenn Chapman

28 Comments

  1. #1 I'm soooooo proud of you! Look @ how far you've come? When we're really sick we're kinda numb, but once we start getting better we feel EVERYTHING & sometimes all @ once. Please try to stay in recovery because your hormones will balance out in time.
    #2 I can definitely relate to freaking out when plans change & catastrophising.
    #3 so glad u left that job that night. Smart move.
    #4 you're amazing & I'm impressed

  2. Awww ur cat is adorable😍On another note: I can totally relate to everything in this vid but WE are all here for u if u wanna talk❤️

  3. *thousands of people LOVE YOU, keep that in mind when times are tough, we believe in you and want you to win, just keep going, keep nourishing yourself and nothing else matters

  4. I relate go the abandonment issues, being super hurt when plans don't work out. It sucksss. I always hold myself accountable for my feelings in those situations. I'd rather it be me than someone else in the wrong because then at least Its in my power to work on it. I ALSO relate go heavy emotions, not feeling good enough or capable when it comes to jobs. I worked at a restaurant once and that scene was not for me 😹😹. I used to leave having sob attacks. I've found jobs that are within my niche. Its been getting way better 🙏🏻. Because I like what I'm doing, mental health doesn't get in the way because I'm engaged and out of myself. Lol. Ed's definitelyyy stem from the issues underneath. You got this💪🏻🌷💪🏻🌷💪🏻.

  5. What you described happens to me too. One thing that helps is finding groups with mutual interests. A lot of local libraries have book clubs or volunteer organizations. They’re very mixed-age groups but it at least gets me out of the house a few nights per week and my mood really does improve!

  6. Thanks for being so vulnerable Emily. It’s so inspiring to me. You are so real, honest, and raw and it is so refreshing to see!

  7. I struggle with the same feelings!! I do get panic attacks some. Ugh!! You're not worthless! You're a child of God!! I'm praying for you!

  8. Abandonment issues suck. I have that too!! My Mother left before I was a year old. She was manic. I'm the same way as you, so don't feel bad about yourself!!! I totally understand!!!! 🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏

  9. Completely understand the anxiety that comes with canceled plans 🙁 I have a great therapist that helped me learn how to calm myself down in that situation, I hope you can get the same help!

  10. hey Emily, my band just released our debut single and were wondering if you could consider using our song as background music in any of your upcoming vids? we need all the help we can get and would really appreciate it! no worries if not! keep up the great vlogs 🙂

  11. I could really relate to what you were saying about how you felt when your plans kept getting cancelled. At the end of your video, I'm so glad things turned around for you!

  12. bpd seems to be really common in EDs (not trying to diagnose you lol i just have it myself and the things you described just sound very similar) and it a way i guess it makes sense as feeling like we are abandoned by other people can lead to us abandoning ourselves. You’re doing really well, just keep in mind you are worth getting better xxx 💕💕

  13. You are so brave and generous to show us both your down's and your ups. If I had had five cancellations in a week I'd be wondering what the #*!!! was going on too. Your best times are still on the way. You still look great, BTW!

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